So not much has changed since my last post. That Scottish boy, he is still as sexy as ever. He recorded a song, it is absolutely amazing and I am not just saying that because I am in love with him because even my best friend says it's amazing. After listening to it I got a chance to skype with him. He is handsome, and funny, and makes my heart bleed, he is a part of perfection, well no he's not, he is human, but he is amazing and I do love him. My best friend yeah things are going good I suppose, she went with my mom and I to Maryland to visit family and things went pretty great, I haven't seen her since we got back but that was to be expected, we were gone for almost two weeks and she wanted to see her family that live with her and she went to visit her family out in the country.
There is this guy and its never going to happen, I mean it did in my dreams but in real life it never will there are too many obstacles involving age, being my brother's best friend, and location. It's probably just puppy love, a crush, but sometimes, certain things make me think otherwise. I don't know, if it is ever supposed to be I will embrace it, if not, so be it, until I know either way I will just continue my life like it has been for the past year, texting him, praying that I get him at a good time, talk to him about my problems so he continues to talk to me those kind of things.
Now the real reason I am posting.
I don't remember if I have posted about it before so if you don't know than I will tell you. Seven years ago my father passed away, he had cancer, bad cancer. Well every once in a while it gets brought up and I think about it, but I always wonder about my wedding and the "father daughter dance" that is supposed to happen when I do get married.
Last night I had a dream about my wedding, it was amazing. I danced with my cousin, who is the son of my favorite uncle who for a while was very much like my father so i figured I could represent him in that way. Than I danced with a family friend, George, I call him Uncle George because he was like a seventh brother in my dad's family and he has been there for me since my dad died, so I figured it would be nice to dance with him. Than I danced with Jay, he was someone that my father specifically asked to watch over and take care of my brother and I and he took that promise that he made my dad to heart, and when he walked up to me he said "Hey Ladybug," (this is the nickname he originally gave his own daughter, but he kept calling me it so he changed her nickname) "You look beautiful." he would tell me. He isn't a crazy sappy guy, but i heard it come out of his mouth in this dream than he said the one thing that made me loose my mind, a happy way. "Your father would be so proud of the lady you have turned into."
At that point I woke up out of my sleep, crying. At first it was happy, almost excitement, waiting for this to happen. I knew that no matter what, lastly I would dance with my brother, someone who has been there with me through it all, but I didn't get to that point in the dream.
I sat up crying and then I started going irate. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve to have to choose between all these men that have been a part in my life. I deserve to have my father, to not worry about any of this. I have been a good person, I have done what I could do to make the best decisions. I should have it easy going like so many others do. I wish that these things were easier for me.
