Little Talks

So not much has changed since my last post. That Scottish boy, he is still as sexy as ever. He recorded a song, it is absolutely amazing and I am not just saying that because I am in love with him because even my best friend says it's amazing. After listening to it I got a chance to skype with him. He is handsome, and funny, and makes my heart bleed, he is a part of perfection, well no he's not, he is human, but he is amazing and I do love him. My best friend yeah things are going good I suppose, she went with my mom and I to Maryland to visit family and things went pretty great, I haven't seen her since we got back but that was to be expected, we were gone for almost two weeks and she wanted to see her family that live with her and she went to visit her family out in the country.
There is this guy and its never going to happen, I mean it did in my dreams but in real life it never will there are too many obstacles involving age, being my brother's best friend, and location. It's probably just puppy love, a crush, but sometimes, certain things make me think otherwise. I don't know, if it is ever supposed to be I will embrace it, if not, so be it, until I know either way I will just continue my life like it has been for the past year, texting him, praying that I get him at a good time, talk to him about my problems so he continues to talk to me those kind of things.
Now the real reason I am posting.
I don't remember if I have posted about it before so if you don't know than I will tell you. Seven years ago my father passed away, he had cancer, bad cancer. Well every once in a while it gets brought up and I think about it, but I always wonder about my wedding and the "father daughter dance" that is supposed to happen when I do get married.
Last night I had a dream about my wedding, it was amazing. I danced with my cousin, who is the son of my favorite uncle who for a while was very much like my father so i figured I could represent him in that way. Than I danced with a family friend, George, I call him Uncle George because he was like a seventh brother in my dad's family and he has been there for me since my dad died, so I figured it would be nice to dance with him. Than I danced with Jay, he was someone that my father specifically asked to watch over and take care of my brother and I and he took that promise that he made my dad to heart, and when he walked up to me he said "Hey Ladybug," (this is the nickname he originally gave his own daughter, but he kept calling me it so he changed her nickname) "You look beautiful." he would tell me. He isn't a crazy sappy guy, but i heard it come out of his mouth in this dream than he said the one thing that made me loose my mind, a happy way. "Your father would be so proud of the lady you have turned into."
At that point I woke up out of my sleep, crying. At first it was happy, almost excitement, waiting for this to happen. I knew that no matter what, lastly I would dance with my brother, someone who has been there with me through it all, but I didn't get to that point in the dream.
I sat up crying and then I started going irate. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve to have to choose between all these men that have been a part in my life. I deserve to have my father, to not worry about any of this. I have been a good person, I have done what I could do to make the best decisions. I should have it easy going like so many others do. I wish that these things were easier for me.

Somebody's Hearbreak

Well I suppose that the title is perfect for this post, but I will start with some light things first.
I started my new semester a few weeks ago all is going well. There is this boy in my Creative Writing class and I don't know what is going on and whether he may or may not be interested in me, mixed signals I suppose. There is this other boy who is in both my Math class and my History class and I don't know if I should make a move or just get over myself. Then I ask myself if its worth putting myself out there or if I should just wait I mean I am sixteen and these people are like eighteen nineteen.  I just, this is jealous all over, but my best friend has a boyfriend, a perfect boyfriend, he loves her, she loves him, and they would do anything for each other. I wanted her and I to go to junior prom together, but thats not fair if she has a boyfriend and I mean I don't see them breaking up or anything but what if something happens between now and next prom, she would have missed out on the perfect night with that perfect guy and not to mention that it would be awkward for me to go to her prom, i mean everyone there hates me, so why put myself in a miserable place. Her friend this guy I have been talking to, he isn't really my type but he can be cute at times and sweet the only problem is he is  hung up on her and I don't want to think about being with a guy who is hung up on my best friend.
I think her and I are growing apart. I knew it would probably happen at some point but other than her I have no friends. End of freshman year I broke a friendship that would have probably lasted had I not been so jealous. I guess when I am making friends or meeting people I act like a know it all or I try to be someone I am not or I act like a little kid, I don't want to be that person its just what else am I supposed to do, it seems everytime I try to make a new friend it blows up in my face and I get screwed over. I don't know what I did to make karma such a bitch but it is and I hate every second of it.
Well on to the purpose of this post. There is a boy who I am deeply in love with. I know he is no where near in love with me, but I swear that I am with him. I would go anywhere, do anything for this boy. If there was any way that I could get to Scotland to see him and be with him even for just a few days trust me I would be there, I would see him. I would be with him. Even if this was the only time I would see him I would give him every peice of me, let him do or take anything he wanted from me. He always comes to me when he is having problems with his family, home, girlfriend, and while I sit there and listen and tell him that he is great and everything will be okay there is a pang in me that wishes that I could be there right that second to hug him and hold him and tell him how much I love him and how if I could make the world okay, I would. I tell him I love him, and he says it back but I know that it is just as a friend. Is it bad that I wish singleness on him so that I can have him all to myself and be able to tell him all that I feel without making things complicated in his life. 
I am in love with a man I will never have and may never have.