Just another day in paradise!

Getting ready for school on a rainy day. Drivers Ed is going good. Did I tell ya'll that I'm taking it? Yes? No? Oh, well whatever, I am, haha! I actually got in contact with my Uncle, a man that I had horrible feelings towards. Maybe this will change the family dynamics. I know that there were a lot of hurt feelings, but they can be fixed, and people who don't fix them will live a miserable life, well whatever the case is, I want it known that I am trying, I'm not going to sit around and let this hatred consume me, I am going to try to change. Change this late in the year? Yes, change. It is never too late to change something, you can always fix the way you feel or how you look at it, and I am choosing right now. Anyone who reads this (if anyone even does) this is my vow to you, I will change a situation if it is consuming a life that is not a good one to live.
Sigh, new beginnings.

Just another over due post

So I guess it has been to long since I have last posted and I am sorry, even if anyone reads this, it had been a long month. School is busy, lots of work, I could probably be doing a few things rather than writting this blog right now, but I felt the need to blog so I am. I have been in school for a month and what a month I am passing all of my classes and with farily good grades too. I am having some problems with people. On person I think thinks we are friends, but I'm not their friend because of problems that are to dramatic to post about. I have this guy that I have amazing feelings (I don't even know why) for him and he goes out with this braty bitchy girl that I cannot stand, and he thinks that I should bow down to him and kiss her feat and love her because they are together. I cannot stand some people and just want them to go away. I am sick of my selfesteam being put down and never thinking that I am good enough. Not like any one reads this, but if someone does, thank you for caring enough to keep reading, and if your just in it to hear another story to make your life feel better.

School.

Well, tomorrow I start school. In twelve hours I will be getting myself ready to go to school. I am so happy to start school tomorrow. Then again, I am not. I want to see my friends, and indulge in the jokes that we created from last year. I want to start doing things, and not be so bored. I want to be happy with having something to do. However, I am scared. I know that this year is going to fly by. It is my last official year of high school. In one year I start college. That is scary. I will only be sixteen and I will be at college. SCARY! Sigh, well here we go, I will try to post tomorrow, just to tell you how it went! Wish me luck.

Pulling my hair out

So today is day two of my mom quiting smoking. She is getting on my nerves. I wish that she wasn't like this. I understand that she is breaking an addiction, but she is still irritating me. She is going off about a number of things that aren't even worth going off on. I am just ready to move on from this, I can't wait till I start school and I can have the excuse of "I have homework, mom." I don't like seeing her like this, dealing with this withdraw, it hurts me seeing her hurt like this.
Not only am i dealing with her, I am dealing with the fact that I don't feel to good right now. My stomach hurts and so does my head. I wanna curl into a ball and sleep or cry.
Day two of mom quiting smoking.
Three days till school.
HURRY UP!

Thinking....

So my friends always ask me "What's up?" just like everyone does when you're having a casual conversation, I always say "Thinking." So I thought that this blog can be all about what I am thinking about right now, as I am typing this.
The first thing on my mind is this guy Timothy. He seems like a really great guy, someone that I would want to be with. Well I have one problem, I don't have any clue how I should tell him that I like him, because well you see, every time I tell a guy that I like him it always seems to blow up. Like he says, "I don't want a relationship." "I don't like you like that." "How can you like me when you barely know me." that type of thing and I really want to tell this guy that I like him, but I am terrified to tell him straight forward that I like him, because I don't want it blowing up in my face. Ugh! Why do I always have to be the one that falls for the guys, why can't they fall for me first? I don't know why I am worried about this now, I mean I am only fifteen, I have lots of time before me, but I just, i don't know, I suddenly felt the urge to tell him that I feel this way towards him, I hope that everything works out and that when I do tell him, that he feels the same way and that I don't have to have my heart broken again. (Wow if there ever were a run on sentence.)
The second thing on my mind is my brother, because, I love him, I really do, and I know that he is 21 and can make is own decisions, I mean he is an adult, but I am worrying so much about him. We went through so much when he first started drinking, then he got sober, and I was so emencly proud of him, I really was, I idolized my brother because he was so strong and was able to get out of his funk, I wished that I could do the same when I got older and I go through such a rough time.
The third thing is this guy Nick. He is a great guy and had at one point fallen head over heels for me. I think he was the only one who has ever really done that, but I didn't feel the same way for him, like the other guys. I was terribly sorry for hurting him like I had been hurt. Now he has the audacity to say that I am not sorry for anything. He is someone I trust and that I feel comfortable going to and talking to about everything I feel. but now I am questioning whether that is the right thing to do with him. I hate this feeling shit. I want it gone, now.

I don't even know what to title this.

I think I am lost. Yes, lost that is the right word. If this was a movie it would start with me sitting here, typing this message. And who knows, maybe this is a movie. Maybe we're all just a movie. I don't know. I don't know what I am doing any more. I am just trying to live the best life that I can. It scares me. Living like this. Being a teenager. I don't know what I am feeling half the time. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm confused. Hell, I might be bi-polar. I was in Maryland two weeks ago, and half of the time I enjoied it, the other half hated it. I think that is why I am lost. Because of Maryland. I lived there most of my life, well all of my life, I was twelve when I moved out of the only home I knew. Then I went and I saw it, all of it. I looked into my old childhood home. It was like a movie, old family movies. I saw everything as it happened when I looked in. Me building a tent. Me playing on the floor watching my favorite shows. Running around saying hello to all my family during a party. I'm scared. Maybe this wouldn't be the beginning, maybe this would be the end, when I realize everything that happens. I don't know, who I will marry. What kind of parent I will be. I am scared to find out, and even scared to know if it'll even happen. But I cannot know, not now. I hope I will though, soon, because it is too difficult to even know if I'm okay.

I don't want you

So my brother started drinking again, and he started acting the same way he was when he was drinking when we moved. Is it bad that I don't want my brother? Technically he is not my brother, he is someone else.