Half of My Heart

Wow it has been foreve since I have posted. It is almost Thanksgiving, and I haven't posted since the middle of October. Life has been bumpy. I have moved what seems like half way across the world. I haven't just a half hour south, but what a difference. We went on a school trip to NC State, it was cool, I'm acctually considering going because it has a beautiful campus. The new house is nice, now that we have removed all of the boxes and have even hung things up. School has been stressful. Typical I know. I have basically gotten over that one guy that I was drowning on and on about. We're just better off as friends well for now at least. I don't have any guys to report on for the moment, but soon, I feel it, soon I will. What else is there? I'm sick, have been for a while. It's a cold, going around school, but this might be serious because my throat is extreamly swolen and you can see it all the way down my neck. I went to the doctors and I am on antibiotics for the moment, so lets hope this just doesn't get worse. I just want to thank anyone who reads this (like anyone does) because this is my diary and you're just along for the ride, no matter how selfish it is, so thank you.

One and Only

I don't know how much longer I can go being mad at him. I see him in the halls at school constantly. I want to walk up to him and give him a hug, but I am mad at him. I hate feeling like this because I know that...well I don't know he his missing me off. In the words of Adele:
I don't know why I'm scared,
'Cause I've been here before,
Every feeling, Every word,
I've imagined it all,
You'll never know,
If you never try,
To forget your past,
And simply be mine.
I love her Lyrics. They help in any situation like:
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
Incredible. Him. Not.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

While everyone who reads this probably hates me, and while you will probably laugh and say "Look who is talking now." I don't care. This guy, I like him, a lot. Or I did. To night about one hour ago I logged onto my facebook and what do I see that he is in a relationship with another girl. Now wait this isn't even the best part, all of you haters will love this. I told him I liked him, and he tolf me he liked me too, but that he wasn't over his ex yet and he didn't believe it was fair to me, to be with me, when he wasn't over her. Great guy, huh? Well here I am after I get this message from him falling farther and farther down this dark well. He told me that maybe we could go to my schools fall dance and that maybe after the dance he would tell me if he was ready for a relationship. Win win, huh? WRONG! He called me on a friday and asked me to go on a group date with him and a mutual friend of ours that needed to go out with this guy but was only able to go on a group date, well through the whole movie me and this guy didn't stop talking and it lead to me laying my head on his shoulder and, eventially us holding hands while I am trying to avoid him poking me in the stomach. I thought wow, this is great you know here he is, he is being super flirty and everything is going great, hey, maybe he will decide before the dance. Well I was right, he did decide and before the dance. He told me that he "...didn't feel a spark..." I felt nothing but sparks all night, but apparentally I was way wrong. I decided to take this mature, knowing that we could stay friends, and maybe eventually more than friends. Well he contunually asked me "What's wrong?" "Are you okay?" Finally I couldn't take saying no any longer and told him, that I really liked, him that I thought there was nothing but "sparks" between us. That this always happened to me, I feel for a guy and he ends up not wanting a girlfriend. He apologized profusly and we continued on like friends. One night after that he texted me well past midnight on a weekday-night, well I was asleep, so when I woke up I was freaking out because he never texted me like this. He had told me that he couldn't sleep he had had a nightmare about his ex. Well being the good friend I am, I comforted him, telling him "you need to get over her." "You need to do better for yourself." "You're a great guy and you diserve someone way better than waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep because you're dreaming about her." Well later on, before I went to sleep I had texted him and told him that if he was having problems at night that he could call me, and I would help him as soon as I could. Well that night at exactly 1:50am he called me. I woke up at the sound of my phone vibrating off the hook but didn't get to my phone on time so I texted him. I stayed up for a little over a half hour trying to calm him down, and eventually it worked and we both went back to sleep. I thought things between us were better improving and that maybe we would still hook up. Everyone started putting voices in my head that he liked this other girl and that they were going to get together, but I ignored the rumors "knowing" he wasn't over his ex. Everything between the two of us continued improving up until yesterday. Tonight right after coming into my room to settle down I get onto my laptop to check facebook and everything before going to sleep and what is the top thing on my newsfeed? That he is in a relationship with this girl that rumors were speculating about. I lost it. I don't know what I did wrong or what I always do wrong. I wish that for once I would pick a guy that wouldn't leave me in the dumps. I want a guy that likes be back and wants to be with me. But this is my life it is not a TV show or a movie so nothing ever goes good, everything goes bad, especially for me. People say that they have the worst life ever and while to you that it the truth, someone everywhere always has it worse than you, just alike someone always has it better than you. But one thing is that you have to remember to someone your the person that has it worse and to another you have it better. I know in one of my posts once I put "Que Sara, Sara." What ever will be will be. Well I am no longer living like any of these things I just put, well at least for tonight. I will post this blog, close my computer and curl up in a ball bawling my eyes out. And why you ask? Well because I hurt. My heart got broken because I put it in the wrong place, and I now know that he wasn't worth it, though for a while, I will still believe that he always was.

Just a kiss

I don't know why I feel the need to make all my blog titles song names that mean something. I guess it is because I always resort to music to make me feel better when I am feeling down or to keep my hopes up when they start crumbling. So I wrote this poem last night thinking about that guy that I like here it is:

Since that one day we traded numbers

I wanted to be with you

But no matter what I say

No matter what I do

I can never tell you

I love you

You love her

It’s plain to see

I wish, oh I wish

That you would love me

I text you all the time

I wish you would reply

Please, oh please

Don’t leave my side

I saw a post today

That made me think real hard

I want to help you always

But it seems I can no more

I love you

Oh I love you

Don’t ever leave my side

I want you to be mine

Always only mine

Not that good is it? No I didn't think so either. But it is the truth and it is how I feel. Wow don't I feel like a complete loser always posting about him, but I just cannot help him. I am smitten with him, and just in case you people reading do not know what that means, it means I REALLY REALLY REALLY like him. He is a great guy, and I know he trusts me, and that I think is part of the reason I am so utterly terrified. I don't want him to see me as someone who is going to not want to be with me because I am more like his friend and he doesn't want to lose our friendship. I like him and I want to be with him.

So on to the latest saga of drama. Yesterday SHE broke down crying over something that was completely stupid, why would you do that, and now someone who she thinks is her friend is now sick of her and doesn't want to be her friend anymore. If you're reading this you might know who you are. You're losing all of your friends, and it's your own fault. You caused this, over what? You expect to be the center of everyones world and when your not, you get mad and then those people learn that you're not a good person to be friends with. I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, I am writing this because even though we're not friends any longer, i am afraid that you're going to loose all of your friends and wake up one day, completely alone than you're going to be miserable.

Best Thing I Never Had

Well there is this guy, and I will keep is name a secret because I don't think that it would be right posting his name all over the Internet like some people do because I sure as hell wouldn't like that. Okay, well this guy, he is great just amazing. His is cute and a hopeless romantic just like me. He believes all the thing that I do, about just sitting and talking for a date, making hand made gifts for one another, and different things like that. Well we had expressed to one another that we liked one another, but one key factor in all of this is that he is not over his last girl friend. He had asked me to go to the school dance with him, because I had told him that he shouldn't be hung up on this one girl for forever, and he agreed so that is when he asked me. Well we have been nothing but flirts towards each other and he asked me if I would go to the movies as his date in a group date, and I agreed. Well I went and I thought everything took a huge step, we held hands, I layed on his shoulder and everything was perfect. He even went so far as to walk me out to the car and gave me a huge hug. Well I got home and texted him and we were the same old us for about an hour and then he told be that he didn't want to go any further for the moment and that he didn't want to hurt me. Well i tried to take that knowing that it did hurt me but that there was nothing I could do to change it because sitting there and begging for him wasn't going to help. Then we were just talking like friends and he asked me id I was okay, and I told him yes and he didn't believe me and so I told him that it did hurt me that he didn't want to be anything more with me, because I liked him and I knew that he was a lot better than the guys I had been with that had A)Abused me B)Wasn't invested in the relationship at all C)Cheated on me and D)Broke up with me because his ex that didn't like him told him a rumor. I knew that this guy wasn't like this, and yes I did tell him that. Needless to say I was up talking to him ALL night and yes, I had to get up at seven o'clock in the morning so that I could go to drivers ed. I just wish that for once I could pick a genuinely goof guy who cares and wants to be with me that is not gay, not ready for a relationship, or a total asshole. Secretly I will be hoping that one day I will be with him.
Well here we go, here come the drama. This one girl who previously was one of my really good friends is now a complete and total bitch who doesn't know how to approch someone when she has a problem with them and you know, I know you occasionally read my blog so great maybe you will know that I would like to talk to you and not be told from other people that you want to know what my problem is, okay. Oh and my the way, I read your blog I know you are talking about me, and how fucking dare you to put my fucking name up there. You are not queen you are not all that and you never will be. That guy that you are in love with, you will be miserable with him if you go back to him and I know this because you have already told me you never want to be with him again and guess what YOU WILL BREAK UP AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. There is a reason that you can't be in a decent relationship because you are a whore and a bitch so best of luck to you.

Driving Away

I'm going completely nuts, driving myself crazy. Not only is it that someone I thought was my friend is now really mad at me, and is telling people not to talk to me, and I don't even know what the hell I did. Another one of my friends is mad because I made a low, blow but here is the difference between me and everyone else in this God Damned world, I ADMIT WHEN I DO SOMETHING WRONG does NO ONE understand that? I swear. Then this guy that I liked before I had texted him and then made a status on facebook about SOMEONE ELSE and he got all pissy about me, then I was doing random posts on facebook on my friends walls and I had put something on his wall saying "Hey there stranger" and his girlfriend hand the audacity to post on my post telling me to leave him alone, yes, I did like him, but I know that he has a girlfriend, and I don't want someone who is in a relationship that would sneak around with me, I want someone to pull me with him and tell all his friends HELL YEAH I AM WITH HER I don't want to be kept in the dark. On top of all that bullshit drama, I have to deal with packing and getting ready for a new house. I wanted to move before, now packing I don't want to, I don't wanna worry about all of this shit! AHHHH! This makes me really mad, why the fuck am I being nailed with all of this.

Just another day in paradise!

Getting ready for school on a rainy day. Drivers Ed is going good. Did I tell ya'll that I'm taking it? Yes? No? Oh, well whatever, I am, haha! I actually got in contact with my Uncle, a man that I had horrible feelings towards. Maybe this will change the family dynamics. I know that there were a lot of hurt feelings, but they can be fixed, and people who don't fix them will live a miserable life, well whatever the case is, I want it known that I am trying, I'm not going to sit around and let this hatred consume me, I am going to try to change. Change this late in the year? Yes, change. It is never too late to change something, you can always fix the way you feel or how you look at it, and I am choosing right now. Anyone who reads this (if anyone even does) this is my vow to you, I will change a situation if it is consuming a life that is not a good one to live.
Sigh, new beginnings.