Somebody's Hearbreak

Well I suppose that the title is perfect for this post, but I will start with some light things first.
I started my new semester a few weeks ago all is going well. There is this boy in my Creative Writing class and I don't know what is going on and whether he may or may not be interested in me, mixed signals I suppose. There is this other boy who is in both my Math class and my History class and I don't know if I should make a move or just get over myself. Then I ask myself if its worth putting myself out there or if I should just wait I mean I am sixteen and these people are like eighteen nineteen.  I just, this is jealous all over, but my best friend has a boyfriend, a perfect boyfriend, he loves her, she loves him, and they would do anything for each other. I wanted her and I to go to junior prom together, but thats not fair if she has a boyfriend and I mean I don't see them breaking up or anything but what if something happens between now and next prom, she would have missed out on the perfect night with that perfect guy and not to mention that it would be awkward for me to go to her prom, i mean everyone there hates me, so why put myself in a miserable place. Her friend this guy I have been talking to, he isn't really my type but he can be cute at times and sweet the only problem is he is  hung up on her and I don't want to think about being with a guy who is hung up on my best friend.
I think her and I are growing apart. I knew it would probably happen at some point but other than her I have no friends. End of freshman year I broke a friendship that would have probably lasted had I not been so jealous. I guess when I am making friends or meeting people I act like a know it all or I try to be someone I am not or I act like a little kid, I don't want to be that person its just what else am I supposed to do, it seems everytime I try to make a new friend it blows up in my face and I get screwed over. I don't know what I did to make karma such a bitch but it is and I hate every second of it.
Well on to the purpose of this post. There is a boy who I am deeply in love with. I know he is no where near in love with me, but I swear that I am with him. I would go anywhere, do anything for this boy. If there was any way that I could get to Scotland to see him and be with him even for just a few days trust me I would be there, I would see him. I would be with him. Even if this was the only time I would see him I would give him every peice of me, let him do or take anything he wanted from me. He always comes to me when he is having problems with his family, home, girlfriend, and while I sit there and listen and tell him that he is great and everything will be okay there is a pang in me that wishes that I could be there right that second to hug him and hold him and tell him how much I love him and how if I could make the world okay, I would. I tell him I love him, and he says it back but I know that it is just as a friend. Is it bad that I wish singleness on him so that I can have him all to myself and be able to tell him all that I feel without making things complicated in his life. 
I am in love with a man I will never have and may never have.   

The A Team

Wow it has been a long time since I have posted. Well since the last time I have posted I have done very well in school I have a high B and A's in all of my courses. I have found and lost love within two months. I am teaching at a local Elementary School and I absolutely adore my kids, they are the cutest most adorable things in the whole world. I thought that by maybe finding someone I could love I would be okay, it was for a little while, but now it just hurts. Tonight was the night that I lost my boyfriend. I love him. I do, but you know those pesky ex's seem to always get into the way and i get screwed every damned time. What's wrong with me and finding someone I like? It seems something is always in the way: they are an arrogant asshole who only wants me for sex, they aren't over they're ex, they live half way across the world, they are too old, their my brothers best friend, what else is next? I cannot possibly win. Not to mention I am a fat cow, who dresses and acts like a dude, who would fall in love with that? I will tell you. No one. No one wants me, no one ever will. People say that's not true but how can I not believe that? I want to change, but I am scared. Who wants change? No one. I want to be the girl walking around campus that all the guys turn their heads to look at because she is just too damn sexy. Well, lets see how this will go oh wait I know, it wont happen, I will continue to get fatter and uglier as it seems I always do.

Dead Flowers

Well summer is over, and I am sorry that I have been so past due on my postings. Well this summer has gone by so fast, I mean it is already August! HOLY MOLEY! Well it don't matter. I have been busy. The first weekend in July, my mom, my best friend, and I drove up to Hershey, Pennsilvania, yerp, you guessed it. A theme part all about a chocolate company. It was amazing fun. Let me tell you. I got to spend a weekend with my grandmother, her girlfriend, my aunt and her family, my brother, and my borthers bestfriend. I rode  so many rollercoasters. I rode all but one, and that was only cause my best friend wasn't feeling well and I had a rash between my legs, so I didn't want to walk over there, but I will tell you that is a lot of rollercoasters, and a lot of kick ass ones, like their new one. Its a train of seats, and there are four, two are in the center and two on the edges hang off like wings, there are 0g's and well it goes really high, and then just drops, but it is kick ass. And then there is another that goes 0-60 in 1.some od seconds and it goes straight up, straight down, up helexis, and then in the helixis you almost fall out of the car, it is freaking amazing, and I love it! Well this past week we have been going, well I have been going to VBS--or vacation bible school. It has been fun, but difficult to deal with.
You see, God and I, well we aint exactly on speaking terms at the moment, and well all with in perfect reasoning too. I felt kind of out of my element there because of this fact. Everyone seems like they are buddy buddy with God and Jesus, and I am like, stay the hell away from me. Which probably means that I am going to hell, but you know what if God is so forgiving then he should forgive me on this, because it is ingood reasoning, right? Well, maybe. Ugh, why can't life just be perfect, I mean really. Everything seems to be wrong with my life, and only my life. You see I have found this GREAT guy right. I am in to him, he is into me, well, no, It aint perfect, at all. He lives all the way across the world. Totally my luck right? Exactly. This stinks. Ugh, FML!
FML FOREVER!!!

Favorite Song

Can you say stress? Ha! I can! I have been stressed. Today was the very last Monday of my high school carrer. I am happy and sad and everything in between. College. It's pretty close, scary close. Thinking about it, terrifies me. Because of the school and the fact that I am that much closer to my future.
People keep telling me that I will find my perfect mate when I am in college and, well, here we go, college. I think I am expecting too much out of all of my future. What do I deserve? I haven't ever been the best person to deserve a great guy, look at my past. I want to fall hopelessly in love like the books I read and the books I right. Who doesn't want to fall in love?
Love? What does it mean? I thought I was in love once. I guess I was a little. When I think back though, I don't think I was really in love. I think I was in, that googly eyed stage where I think I was in love and I really wasn't. I want to know what it is like to have sparks on my skin when we touch, what the fireworks look like when you kiss. You know the typical thing that people call love, or entities of love.
Wow, look at me rambling, like anyone cares.
Ha!
What do I have one reader? Shout out to the reader, whom ever you are.
Well I am going to go type one of my very fasinating, very fictional love stories, that make my heart pound for something more, until next time my lack of readers.

Somebody That I Used To Know

I have been really into this guy Noah Cover on facebook, and the song title that is this blog post title is a cover he did with Christina Grimme. Check it out, and he has a ton of other great covers on Youtube.
Well this post is LONG over due. I haven't caught you guys up in a long time. Well the last post about that one guy well after a little bit we made up but one night we were having a friendly discussion about golf and putt-putt. Well i said that he was cute when he was serious, and well, now we aren't talking anymore, so, awesomeness, right? Totally. GOD! I don't even care, I mean, I won't have to see him any more for the rest of my life, and even if I do see him, we will both pretend like we're strangers, because honestly I don't even give a damn anymore. I was supposed to be going on a Europe trip this summer, well, a month ago my Grandfather got into a motor cycle accident, and died, so now you can just imagine that there is no way that I can possibly go to Europe for 20 days this summer, so there goes that dream.
In the wake of my Grandfather's death, we went to Maryland to have a memorial with the rest of the family, and with his friends from up there. Well my brother has this friend, right? Well this friend came to the memorial to be there for my brother, this is great and all, like a new big brother. NO! He is cute and nice. I sat on his lap for two hours, and he called me cute. WOW! Right! NOT! He is 24 years old, and my brother's best friend, so there is no way that there could ever be a relationship there, right? Wrong, I am hoping there could be a chance, but hello he was like eight when I was born, I mean our age difference is HUGE and that os probably something taht we could never get over.
We took our first final exam yesterday, for histroy. You are probably just thinking, oh that is cool. NO! Our teacher got an ultimatum the a week before to either resign or to be fired and he resigned, he had no choice. Well you can imagine how fucked up our lives are now that our teacher is gone and we have a final coming up for his class IN ONE WEEK! Well you can imagine the grades, everyone is used to, on his final exam, 97, 98, those kinds of grades, hell even I was, but you want to know what I got? Take a guess! Well you are probably wrong, unless you are really good at reading past mind thoughts. I got a fucking 81! AN 81! Now your thinking well that is a C aint it, C's arent that bad, well they are when you have failed every single test in the whole class! Oh and lets not forget that this cost us 25% of our grade. That is just great aint it. NO!
FUCK MY LIFE!
The only good thing that can possibly happen  is that I have a date this weekend with a reall great guy, who I have had a crush on for a while, and he even said that we could hold hands, like this is amazing, right, yes, except, I might be thinking about that 24 year old through the whole date, which would suck, definantly suck.
Oh and lets not forget that I am crushing on a guy in my class, that is considered the school loser. Yep that is right. He never does any work that is due, and yes it is true he isn't the cutiest I have ever crushed on but he makes me smile, and that is what I like about him, but there is no way that he would ever like me in any compasity other than being my friend. Nope no way, well, maybe....

That's it, I quit, I'm moving on

I hate him. I don't like hating anyone, but I hate him. He doesn't listen to me, he chooses to believe everyone else over me, so I am done. I tried to mend fences, I tried to restore a friendship, even admitted that I was wrong, yet he runs in circles around me. I hope he gets what is coming to him, because I have tried. I have done everything I possibly can to be his friend again. That just wont work. Now I am forced to stop trusting anyone and everyone with anything, all because of him, and because he claims that all these people have told him things. Well he won't tell me who these people are so I can confront them, so now everyone I thought I could trust I really cannot. I thought he was a great guy, and I thought he was my friend, but he isn't and he never was if he is just going completely against me. I thought at one point that I was in love with him. That was obviously wrong because I could never love any one so hateful and vendictive. He claims that he is such a victum and that he has this horrible life. JOIN THE CLUB BUDDY! Just because your life isn't peachy kin, and perfect doens't mean that you have the absolute worst life that there is. So that is it. I quit. I have 3 months and sixteen days left to see his face then I am off to the college and off to be a loaner. You know I gave some great advice today, and I wish that if only I could take it and if only things were as easy as they are on these TV shows that I am currently watching with my mom. This life that I am living is so fucked up, and the sad thing is, is that I am waisting this energy on something that is stupid. Why can't i just have a perfect life. I know that someone has the best life there is. I know there is someone out there, so why can't I be them. I swear, instead of music tonight, I will be falling asleep to the sounds of my tears and my crying. Sad, I know, but it's true because I am holding back the tears and the crying out now. I'm moving on.

Leave the Peices When You Go

Heart break. It is something we are all forced to deal with. Some how I feel like I deal with it way more than I should. I saw a guy I am erratically in love with today. Somehow, I just can't seem to get over him, though I should. We cheated on each other, so there are trust issues between us, but today he came to my school, to see me. I hugged him as tight as I possibly could, and we even kissed. When I got onto my bus I was so happy, so estatic that I couldn't contain myself, Now thinking about it, I doubt we will ever be together, because of those reasons. Than this guy, I never know how I feel about him, ever. One minute I am falling head over heels the next I am so mad at him. He tells me that there is noone who likes him and that he is useless. All I can say is "WHAT ABOUT ME! I LIKE YOU, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! I THINK YOU ARE SOMETHING!" Then he tells me he likes my friends. i get so eratically pissed.off at him. I am terrified of telling him because I don't want lose him, but what else is a girl to do. I'm so fucked and i am just being lead around, my heart shattered in peices and being scrambled everywhere.