Little Talks

So not much has changed since my last post. That Scottish boy, he is still as sexy as ever. He recorded a song, it is absolutely amazing and I am not just saying that because I am in love with him because even my best friend says it's amazing. After listening to it I got a chance to skype with him. He is handsome, and funny, and makes my heart bleed, he is a part of perfection, well no he's not, he is human, but he is amazing and I do love him. My best friend yeah things are going good I suppose, she went with my mom and I to Maryland to visit family and things went pretty great, I haven't seen her since we got back but that was to be expected, we were gone for almost two weeks and she wanted to see her family that live with her and she went to visit her family out in the country.
There is this guy and its never going to happen, I mean it did in my dreams but in real life it never will there are too many obstacles involving age, being my brother's best friend, and location. It's probably just puppy love, a crush, but sometimes, certain things make me think otherwise. I don't know, if it is ever supposed to be I will embrace it, if not, so be it, until I know either way I will just continue my life like it has been for the past year, texting him, praying that I get him at a good time, talk to him about my problems so he continues to talk to me those kind of things.
Now the real reason I am posting.
I don't remember if I have posted about it before so if you don't know than I will tell you. Seven years ago my father passed away, he had cancer, bad cancer. Well every once in a while it gets brought up and I think about it, but I always wonder about my wedding and the "father daughter dance" that is supposed to happen when I do get married.
Last night I had a dream about my wedding, it was amazing. I danced with my cousin, who is the son of my favorite uncle who for a while was very much like my father so i figured I could represent him in that way. Than I danced with a family friend, George, I call him Uncle George because he was like a seventh brother in my dad's family and he has been there for me since my dad died, so I figured it would be nice to dance with him. Than I danced with Jay, he was someone that my father specifically asked to watch over and take care of my brother and I and he took that promise that he made my dad to heart, and when he walked up to me he said "Hey Ladybug," (this is the nickname he originally gave his own daughter, but he kept calling me it so he changed her nickname) "You look beautiful." he would tell me. He isn't a crazy sappy guy, but i heard it come out of his mouth in this dream than he said the one thing that made me loose my mind, a happy way. "Your father would be so proud of the lady you have turned into."
At that point I woke up out of my sleep, crying. At first it was happy, almost excitement, waiting for this to happen. I knew that no matter what, lastly I would dance with my brother, someone who has been there with me through it all, but I didn't get to that point in the dream.
I sat up crying and then I started going irate. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve to have to choose between all these men that have been a part in my life. I deserve to have my father, to not worry about any of this. I have been a good person, I have done what I could do to make the best decisions. I should have it easy going like so many others do. I wish that these things were easier for me.

Somebody's Hearbreak

Well I suppose that the title is perfect for this post, but I will start with some light things first.
I started my new semester a few weeks ago all is going well. There is this boy in my Creative Writing class and I don't know what is going on and whether he may or may not be interested in me, mixed signals I suppose. There is this other boy who is in both my Math class and my History class and I don't know if I should make a move or just get over myself. Then I ask myself if its worth putting myself out there or if I should just wait I mean I am sixteen and these people are like eighteen nineteen.  I just, this is jealous all over, but my best friend has a boyfriend, a perfect boyfriend, he loves her, she loves him, and they would do anything for each other. I wanted her and I to go to junior prom together, but thats not fair if she has a boyfriend and I mean I don't see them breaking up or anything but what if something happens between now and next prom, she would have missed out on the perfect night with that perfect guy and not to mention that it would be awkward for me to go to her prom, i mean everyone there hates me, so why put myself in a miserable place. Her friend this guy I have been talking to, he isn't really my type but he can be cute at times and sweet the only problem is he is  hung up on her and I don't want to think about being with a guy who is hung up on my best friend.
I think her and I are growing apart. I knew it would probably happen at some point but other than her I have no friends. End of freshman year I broke a friendship that would have probably lasted had I not been so jealous. I guess when I am making friends or meeting people I act like a know it all or I try to be someone I am not or I act like a little kid, I don't want to be that person its just what else am I supposed to do, it seems everytime I try to make a new friend it blows up in my face and I get screwed over. I don't know what I did to make karma such a bitch but it is and I hate every second of it.
Well on to the purpose of this post. There is a boy who I am deeply in love with. I know he is no where near in love with me, but I swear that I am with him. I would go anywhere, do anything for this boy. If there was any way that I could get to Scotland to see him and be with him even for just a few days trust me I would be there, I would see him. I would be with him. Even if this was the only time I would see him I would give him every peice of me, let him do or take anything he wanted from me. He always comes to me when he is having problems with his family, home, girlfriend, and while I sit there and listen and tell him that he is great and everything will be okay there is a pang in me that wishes that I could be there right that second to hug him and hold him and tell him how much I love him and how if I could make the world okay, I would. I tell him I love him, and he says it back but I know that it is just as a friend. Is it bad that I wish singleness on him so that I can have him all to myself and be able to tell him all that I feel without making things complicated in his life. 
I am in love with a man I will never have and may never have.   

The A Team

Wow it has been a long time since I have posted. Well since the last time I have posted I have done very well in school I have a high B and A's in all of my courses. I have found and lost love within two months. I am teaching at a local Elementary School and I absolutely adore my kids, they are the cutest most adorable things in the whole world. I thought that by maybe finding someone I could love I would be okay, it was for a little while, but now it just hurts. Tonight was the night that I lost my boyfriend. I love him. I do, but you know those pesky ex's seem to always get into the way and i get screwed every damned time. What's wrong with me and finding someone I like? It seems something is always in the way: they are an arrogant asshole who only wants me for sex, they aren't over they're ex, they live half way across the world, they are too old, their my brothers best friend, what else is next? I cannot possibly win. Not to mention I am a fat cow, who dresses and acts like a dude, who would fall in love with that? I will tell you. No one. No one wants me, no one ever will. People say that's not true but how can I not believe that? I want to change, but I am scared. Who wants change? No one. I want to be the girl walking around campus that all the guys turn their heads to look at because she is just too damn sexy. Well, lets see how this will go oh wait I know, it wont happen, I will continue to get fatter and uglier as it seems I always do.

Dead Flowers

Well summer is over, and I am sorry that I have been so past due on my postings. Well this summer has gone by so fast, I mean it is already August! HOLY MOLEY! Well it don't matter. I have been busy. The first weekend in July, my mom, my best friend, and I drove up to Hershey, Pennsilvania, yerp, you guessed it. A theme part all about a chocolate company. It was amazing fun. Let me tell you. I got to spend a weekend with my grandmother, her girlfriend, my aunt and her family, my brother, and my borthers bestfriend. I rode  so many rollercoasters. I rode all but one, and that was only cause my best friend wasn't feeling well and I had a rash between my legs, so I didn't want to walk over there, but I will tell you that is a lot of rollercoasters, and a lot of kick ass ones, like their new one. Its a train of seats, and there are four, two are in the center and two on the edges hang off like wings, there are 0g's and well it goes really high, and then just drops, but it is kick ass. And then there is another that goes 0-60 in 1.some od seconds and it goes straight up, straight down, up helexis, and then in the helixis you almost fall out of the car, it is freaking amazing, and I love it! Well this past week we have been going, well I have been going to VBS--or vacation bible school. It has been fun, but difficult to deal with.
You see, God and I, well we aint exactly on speaking terms at the moment, and well all with in perfect reasoning too. I felt kind of out of my element there because of this fact. Everyone seems like they are buddy buddy with God and Jesus, and I am like, stay the hell away from me. Which probably means that I am going to hell, but you know what if God is so forgiving then he should forgive me on this, because it is ingood reasoning, right? Well, maybe. Ugh, why can't life just be perfect, I mean really. Everything seems to be wrong with my life, and only my life. You see I have found this GREAT guy right. I am in to him, he is into me, well, no, It aint perfect, at all. He lives all the way across the world. Totally my luck right? Exactly. This stinks. Ugh, FML!
FML FOREVER!!!

Favorite Song

Can you say stress? Ha! I can! I have been stressed. Today was the very last Monday of my high school carrer. I am happy and sad and everything in between. College. It's pretty close, scary close. Thinking about it, terrifies me. Because of the school and the fact that I am that much closer to my future.
People keep telling me that I will find my perfect mate when I am in college and, well, here we go, college. I think I am expecting too much out of all of my future. What do I deserve? I haven't ever been the best person to deserve a great guy, look at my past. I want to fall hopelessly in love like the books I read and the books I right. Who doesn't want to fall in love?
Love? What does it mean? I thought I was in love once. I guess I was a little. When I think back though, I don't think I was really in love. I think I was in, that googly eyed stage where I think I was in love and I really wasn't. I want to know what it is like to have sparks on my skin when we touch, what the fireworks look like when you kiss. You know the typical thing that people call love, or entities of love.
Wow, look at me rambling, like anyone cares.
Ha!
What do I have one reader? Shout out to the reader, whom ever you are.
Well I am going to go type one of my very fasinating, very fictional love stories, that make my heart pound for something more, until next time my lack of readers.

Somebody That I Used To Know

I have been really into this guy Noah Cover on facebook, and the song title that is this blog post title is a cover he did with Christina Grimme. Check it out, and he has a ton of other great covers on Youtube.
Well this post is LONG over due. I haven't caught you guys up in a long time. Well the last post about that one guy well after a little bit we made up but one night we were having a friendly discussion about golf and putt-putt. Well i said that he was cute when he was serious, and well, now we aren't talking anymore, so, awesomeness, right? Totally. GOD! I don't even care, I mean, I won't have to see him any more for the rest of my life, and even if I do see him, we will both pretend like we're strangers, because honestly I don't even give a damn anymore. I was supposed to be going on a Europe trip this summer, well, a month ago my Grandfather got into a motor cycle accident, and died, so now you can just imagine that there is no way that I can possibly go to Europe for 20 days this summer, so there goes that dream.
In the wake of my Grandfather's death, we went to Maryland to have a memorial with the rest of the family, and with his friends from up there. Well my brother has this friend, right? Well this friend came to the memorial to be there for my brother, this is great and all, like a new big brother. NO! He is cute and nice. I sat on his lap for two hours, and he called me cute. WOW! Right! NOT! He is 24 years old, and my brother's best friend, so there is no way that there could ever be a relationship there, right? Wrong, I am hoping there could be a chance, but hello he was like eight when I was born, I mean our age difference is HUGE and that os probably something taht we could never get over.
We took our first final exam yesterday, for histroy. You are probably just thinking, oh that is cool. NO! Our teacher got an ultimatum the a week before to either resign or to be fired and he resigned, he had no choice. Well you can imagine how fucked up our lives are now that our teacher is gone and we have a final coming up for his class IN ONE WEEK! Well you can imagine the grades, everyone is used to, on his final exam, 97, 98, those kinds of grades, hell even I was, but you want to know what I got? Take a guess! Well you are probably wrong, unless you are really good at reading past mind thoughts. I got a fucking 81! AN 81! Now your thinking well that is a C aint it, C's arent that bad, well they are when you have failed every single test in the whole class! Oh and lets not forget that this cost us 25% of our grade. That is just great aint it. NO!
FUCK MY LIFE!
The only good thing that can possibly happen  is that I have a date this weekend with a reall great guy, who I have had a crush on for a while, and he even said that we could hold hands, like this is amazing, right, yes, except, I might be thinking about that 24 year old through the whole date, which would suck, definantly suck.
Oh and lets not forget that I am crushing on a guy in my class, that is considered the school loser. Yep that is right. He never does any work that is due, and yes it is true he isn't the cutiest I have ever crushed on but he makes me smile, and that is what I like about him, but there is no way that he would ever like me in any compasity other than being my friend. Nope no way, well, maybe....

That's it, I quit, I'm moving on

I hate him. I don't like hating anyone, but I hate him. He doesn't listen to me, he chooses to believe everyone else over me, so I am done. I tried to mend fences, I tried to restore a friendship, even admitted that I was wrong, yet he runs in circles around me. I hope he gets what is coming to him, because I have tried. I have done everything I possibly can to be his friend again. That just wont work. Now I am forced to stop trusting anyone and everyone with anything, all because of him, and because he claims that all these people have told him things. Well he won't tell me who these people are so I can confront them, so now everyone I thought I could trust I really cannot. I thought he was a great guy, and I thought he was my friend, but he isn't and he never was if he is just going completely against me. I thought at one point that I was in love with him. That was obviously wrong because I could never love any one so hateful and vendictive. He claims that he is such a victum and that he has this horrible life. JOIN THE CLUB BUDDY! Just because your life isn't peachy kin, and perfect doens't mean that you have the absolute worst life that there is. So that is it. I quit. I have 3 months and sixteen days left to see his face then I am off to the college and off to be a loaner. You know I gave some great advice today, and I wish that if only I could take it and if only things were as easy as they are on these TV shows that I am currently watching with my mom. This life that I am living is so fucked up, and the sad thing is, is that I am waisting this energy on something that is stupid. Why can't i just have a perfect life. I know that someone has the best life there is. I know there is someone out there, so why can't I be them. I swear, instead of music tonight, I will be falling asleep to the sounds of my tears and my crying. Sad, I know, but it's true because I am holding back the tears and the crying out now. I'm moving on.

Leave the Peices When You Go

Heart break. It is something we are all forced to deal with. Some how I feel like I deal with it way more than I should. I saw a guy I am erratically in love with today. Somehow, I just can't seem to get over him, though I should. We cheated on each other, so there are trust issues between us, but today he came to my school, to see me. I hugged him as tight as I possibly could, and we even kissed. When I got onto my bus I was so happy, so estatic that I couldn't contain myself, Now thinking about it, I doubt we will ever be together, because of those reasons. Than this guy, I never know how I feel about him, ever. One minute I am falling head over heels the next I am so mad at him. He tells me that there is noone who likes him and that he is useless. All I can say is "WHAT ABOUT ME! I LIKE YOU, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! I THINK YOU ARE SOMETHING!" Then he tells me he likes my friends. i get so eratically pissed.off at him. I am terrified of telling him because I don't want lose him, but what else is a girl to do. I'm so fucked and i am just being lead around, my heart shattered in peices and being scrambled everywhere.

Teenage Dream

I am done, I mean I know I am a pretty privalaged child, but I am sick of this. We were going out and stupid me was trying to be a fucking ninja and my new fucking iTouch goes flying out of my purse onto the concrete and the glass in front of the screen is now cracked and I have to figure something out because I refuse to keep a brand new iTouch that is all fucking cracked. Then we head down to a silver place because my mom wanted to sell her silver to get a little extra cash. We were expecting anywhere from 500 to 50000 dollars. Nope. We might be lucky to get 200 dollars. Now we can't pay our fucking car payment and the odds of going to Disney for my sixteenth birthday is pretty much screwed. Way to get my hopes up. I just want it to work out, I want to get at least one thing.

Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have

Things are going pretty great right now. I am on top of all of my school work. I have been allowed to drive every day of every weekend and everymorning to school. My mom and I have been spending all weekend looking at things for Disney, we are planning to go for my sixteenth birthday and we are taking my best friend Bekah as a Disney virgin. I am so excited and cannot wait. We will probably be staying at a value resort with is one of the lowest ones you can stay at but the magic of even on of those is incredible. I am just so estatic to go. I haven't been in a few years and it's well over due. The only sad thing about it is that my brother probably wont be coming and usually on the last night at Magic Kingdom he acts so goofy and simple it is so funny, he walks up to random people and say random things, he acts like a statue, and it's just so much fun. I am enjoying  enjoying everything right now. I like how my life is for the moment, I think the only thing missing is a nice social life and a good guy or a few good guys that I am into and who is into me. Well in all technicalities my first week of school of the year is over and I only have twenty more to go, then I am done with high school and ready for college. I will have so much more freedom at college then i do now and I am just so ready and so excited.

Bluebird

Well it's been a long while since I wrote. I didn't win science fair, but I did get a 93 and I was pretty happy with that. The one guy that I liked that had the girlfriend and said he didn't like me like that, well I am over him, I really am, he is just my friend. The one that gave me a ride, well he likes a friend of mine and in the past i would have blown up and gotten pissed I am okay with it, they only thing blowing up would do would make myself miserable. My ex, well that is a completely different story. He is a good guy and has a good heart and he is back to the guy that I fell in love with. I don't understand what to do.
My uncle and Cousins came up for a weekend. I swear I have never been told I was wrong so many times in such a short amount of time. They would even tell me I was wrong about something I knew all about and they knew nothing about and sometimes they would tell me I was wrong rephrase what I said and say it. It was so exhausting.
Christmas, well it just never felt like Christmas. it makes me sad because I love Christmas. We went up to MD and I got to see a lot of my family. I even got surprised when my favorite cousin, Michael showed up. I got some great things too, my favorite, my ipod touch. I enjoyed myself but it just seemed like a random visit up to MD and I wanted a Christmas visit.

Let it Rain

So Today was the lovely Science Fair at school. Apparently my judge loved my bored and all the Freshman voted for it. I'm kind of impressed if that were true because I did all of that in one weekend. SHAMPOOCH! Haha, sorry that is an insider I have with one of the freshies. Part of me would be really excited if I got a chance to go to county or even state, but part of me would want to decline. I have never been a fan of science fair, in fact i despise it, and as nice as it would be to win, I don't want to because I want it to be over, if i didn't win, I would never have to do science fair again.
So there are some...complications in my life at the moment. There are two boys at school, that I like, quite a bit. Their best friends. One has a girlfriend now, and says he doesn't like me, but I think today, I got over him. I like him, still, but I think he would just be a good friend. But his friend is someone I care about a lot. Today he had a bad day and I felt like I was the only one who noticed. He also gave me a ride home and I enjoied the time spent with him. He is a good guy and I like him a lot, i kind of always have. But here is one of my main problems, My ex. We were togather, kind of in a way after we broke up, but it was never a thing because of his girlfriend. Now call me a slut if your want, i don't care, I loved--love him. Well we have been talking again recently and he has been saying what seems to be all the right things. I feel like I am falling for him, but I don't want to go back there because somethings with him aren't good memories. UGH being a girl sucks!
Oh my the freshies, well a first happened at my school, a fight. One freshie posted on Gmail that another freshies boyfriend wasn't cute. So the two of them started fighting and well apparently there was a fist fight. SOOO FUNNY! haha!

You got a fast car

Wow it has been quite some time since I have last written and a lot has happened, well not totally. I have gotten royally pissed off. Now ya'll know that I go to an early college and you would expect the people who go to a school like that to be a little more mature, and know right from wrong. Well apparently they don't. I am on the Yearbook and I was assigned the page called "You know you go to this school when..." well I had gotten permission from my teacher and my principle to hang posters up to get what the other students thought into the yearbook, but some kids decided to be stupid and put rude, crule, and racist comments. I had a teacher specifically bring me a poster that had these comments on it and tell me I better be cautious about these posters. Then at lunch I was just loosing my mind and went off and got a confession that he put one of those rude comments up. Later at my last period people were gathering around a poster and a teacher was fussing at them. I went to that teacher also my supervisor and just took them down, then from these little bitches in my class started screaming at me. All I could think was well maybe if some people wouldn't put rude things up it wouldn't be ruined for everyone, so not my fault. Now on the flip side of things on Friday my mom and I went to DMV because it was time that I applied for my permit. After a long wait I took the test and passed. I am now driving and have been given the option to drive all weekend and I have enjoyed every minute of it.

Half of My Heart

Wow it has been foreve since I have posted. It is almost Thanksgiving, and I haven't posted since the middle of October. Life has been bumpy. I have moved what seems like half way across the world. I haven't just a half hour south, but what a difference. We went on a school trip to NC State, it was cool, I'm acctually considering going because it has a beautiful campus. The new house is nice, now that we have removed all of the boxes and have even hung things up. School has been stressful. Typical I know. I have basically gotten over that one guy that I was drowning on and on about. We're just better off as friends well for now at least. I don't have any guys to report on for the moment, but soon, I feel it, soon I will. What else is there? I'm sick, have been for a while. It's a cold, going around school, but this might be serious because my throat is extreamly swolen and you can see it all the way down my neck. I went to the doctors and I am on antibiotics for the moment, so lets hope this just doesn't get worse. I just want to thank anyone who reads this (like anyone does) because this is my diary and you're just along for the ride, no matter how selfish it is, so thank you.

One and Only

I don't know how much longer I can go being mad at him. I see him in the halls at school constantly. I want to walk up to him and give him a hug, but I am mad at him. I hate feeling like this because I know that...well I don't know he his missing me off. In the words of Adele:
I don't know why I'm scared,
'Cause I've been here before,
Every feeling, Every word,
I've imagined it all,
You'll never know,
If you never try,
To forget your past,
And simply be mine.
I love her Lyrics. They help in any situation like:
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
Incredible. Him. Not.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

While everyone who reads this probably hates me, and while you will probably laugh and say "Look who is talking now." I don't care. This guy, I like him, a lot. Or I did. To night about one hour ago I logged onto my facebook and what do I see that he is in a relationship with another girl. Now wait this isn't even the best part, all of you haters will love this. I told him I liked him, and he tolf me he liked me too, but that he wasn't over his ex yet and he didn't believe it was fair to me, to be with me, when he wasn't over her. Great guy, huh? Well here I am after I get this message from him falling farther and farther down this dark well. He told me that maybe we could go to my schools fall dance and that maybe after the dance he would tell me if he was ready for a relationship. Win win, huh? WRONG! He called me on a friday and asked me to go on a group date with him and a mutual friend of ours that needed to go out with this guy but was only able to go on a group date, well through the whole movie me and this guy didn't stop talking and it lead to me laying my head on his shoulder and, eventially us holding hands while I am trying to avoid him poking me in the stomach. I thought wow, this is great you know here he is, he is being super flirty and everything is going great, hey, maybe he will decide before the dance. Well I was right, he did decide and before the dance. He told me that he "...didn't feel a spark..." I felt nothing but sparks all night, but apparentally I was way wrong. I decided to take this mature, knowing that we could stay friends, and maybe eventually more than friends. Well he contunually asked me "What's wrong?" "Are you okay?" Finally I couldn't take saying no any longer and told him, that I really liked, him that I thought there was nothing but "sparks" between us. That this always happened to me, I feel for a guy and he ends up not wanting a girlfriend. He apologized profusly and we continued on like friends. One night after that he texted me well past midnight on a weekday-night, well I was asleep, so when I woke up I was freaking out because he never texted me like this. He had told me that he couldn't sleep he had had a nightmare about his ex. Well being the good friend I am, I comforted him, telling him "you need to get over her." "You need to do better for yourself." "You're a great guy and you diserve someone way better than waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep because you're dreaming about her." Well later on, before I went to sleep I had texted him and told him that if he was having problems at night that he could call me, and I would help him as soon as I could. Well that night at exactly 1:50am he called me. I woke up at the sound of my phone vibrating off the hook but didn't get to my phone on time so I texted him. I stayed up for a little over a half hour trying to calm him down, and eventually it worked and we both went back to sleep. I thought things between us were better improving and that maybe we would still hook up. Everyone started putting voices in my head that he liked this other girl and that they were going to get together, but I ignored the rumors "knowing" he wasn't over his ex. Everything between the two of us continued improving up until yesterday. Tonight right after coming into my room to settle down I get onto my laptop to check facebook and everything before going to sleep and what is the top thing on my newsfeed? That he is in a relationship with this girl that rumors were speculating about. I lost it. I don't know what I did wrong or what I always do wrong. I wish that for once I would pick a guy that wouldn't leave me in the dumps. I want a guy that likes be back and wants to be with me. But this is my life it is not a TV show or a movie so nothing ever goes good, everything goes bad, especially for me. People say that they have the worst life ever and while to you that it the truth, someone everywhere always has it worse than you, just alike someone always has it better than you. But one thing is that you have to remember to someone your the person that has it worse and to another you have it better. I know in one of my posts once I put "Que Sara, Sara." What ever will be will be. Well I am no longer living like any of these things I just put, well at least for tonight. I will post this blog, close my computer and curl up in a ball bawling my eyes out. And why you ask? Well because I hurt. My heart got broken because I put it in the wrong place, and I now know that he wasn't worth it, though for a while, I will still believe that he always was.

Just a kiss

I don't know why I feel the need to make all my blog titles song names that mean something. I guess it is because I always resort to music to make me feel better when I am feeling down or to keep my hopes up when they start crumbling. So I wrote this poem last night thinking about that guy that I like here it is:

Since that one day we traded numbers

I wanted to be with you

But no matter what I say

No matter what I do

I can never tell you

I love you

You love her

It’s plain to see

I wish, oh I wish

That you would love me

I text you all the time

I wish you would reply

Please, oh please

Don’t leave my side

I saw a post today

That made me think real hard

I want to help you always

But it seems I can no more

I love you

Oh I love you

Don’t ever leave my side

I want you to be mine

Always only mine

Not that good is it? No I didn't think so either. But it is the truth and it is how I feel. Wow don't I feel like a complete loser always posting about him, but I just cannot help him. I am smitten with him, and just in case you people reading do not know what that means, it means I REALLY REALLY REALLY like him. He is a great guy, and I know he trusts me, and that I think is part of the reason I am so utterly terrified. I don't want him to see me as someone who is going to not want to be with me because I am more like his friend and he doesn't want to lose our friendship. I like him and I want to be with him.

So on to the latest saga of drama. Yesterday SHE broke down crying over something that was completely stupid, why would you do that, and now someone who she thinks is her friend is now sick of her and doesn't want to be her friend anymore. If you're reading this you might know who you are. You're losing all of your friends, and it's your own fault. You caused this, over what? You expect to be the center of everyones world and when your not, you get mad and then those people learn that you're not a good person to be friends with. I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, I am writing this because even though we're not friends any longer, i am afraid that you're going to loose all of your friends and wake up one day, completely alone than you're going to be miserable.

Best Thing I Never Had

Well there is this guy, and I will keep is name a secret because I don't think that it would be right posting his name all over the Internet like some people do because I sure as hell wouldn't like that. Okay, well this guy, he is great just amazing. His is cute and a hopeless romantic just like me. He believes all the thing that I do, about just sitting and talking for a date, making hand made gifts for one another, and different things like that. Well we had expressed to one another that we liked one another, but one key factor in all of this is that he is not over his last girl friend. He had asked me to go to the school dance with him, because I had told him that he shouldn't be hung up on this one girl for forever, and he agreed so that is when he asked me. Well we have been nothing but flirts towards each other and he asked me if I would go to the movies as his date in a group date, and I agreed. Well I went and I thought everything took a huge step, we held hands, I layed on his shoulder and everything was perfect. He even went so far as to walk me out to the car and gave me a huge hug. Well I got home and texted him and we were the same old us for about an hour and then he told be that he didn't want to go any further for the moment and that he didn't want to hurt me. Well i tried to take that knowing that it did hurt me but that there was nothing I could do to change it because sitting there and begging for him wasn't going to help. Then we were just talking like friends and he asked me id I was okay, and I told him yes and he didn't believe me and so I told him that it did hurt me that he didn't want to be anything more with me, because I liked him and I knew that he was a lot better than the guys I had been with that had A)Abused me B)Wasn't invested in the relationship at all C)Cheated on me and D)Broke up with me because his ex that didn't like him told him a rumor. I knew that this guy wasn't like this, and yes I did tell him that. Needless to say I was up talking to him ALL night and yes, I had to get up at seven o'clock in the morning so that I could go to drivers ed. I just wish that for once I could pick a genuinely goof guy who cares and wants to be with me that is not gay, not ready for a relationship, or a total asshole. Secretly I will be hoping that one day I will be with him.
Well here we go, here come the drama. This one girl who previously was one of my really good friends is now a complete and total bitch who doesn't know how to approch someone when she has a problem with them and you know, I know you occasionally read my blog so great maybe you will know that I would like to talk to you and not be told from other people that you want to know what my problem is, okay. Oh and my the way, I read your blog I know you are talking about me, and how fucking dare you to put my fucking name up there. You are not queen you are not all that and you never will be. That guy that you are in love with, you will be miserable with him if you go back to him and I know this because you have already told me you never want to be with him again and guess what YOU WILL BREAK UP AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. There is a reason that you can't be in a decent relationship because you are a whore and a bitch so best of luck to you.

Driving Away

I'm going completely nuts, driving myself crazy. Not only is it that someone I thought was my friend is now really mad at me, and is telling people not to talk to me, and I don't even know what the hell I did. Another one of my friends is mad because I made a low, blow but here is the difference between me and everyone else in this God Damned world, I ADMIT WHEN I DO SOMETHING WRONG does NO ONE understand that? I swear. Then this guy that I liked before I had texted him and then made a status on facebook about SOMEONE ELSE and he got all pissy about me, then I was doing random posts on facebook on my friends walls and I had put something on his wall saying "Hey there stranger" and his girlfriend hand the audacity to post on my post telling me to leave him alone, yes, I did like him, but I know that he has a girlfriend, and I don't want someone who is in a relationship that would sneak around with me, I want someone to pull me with him and tell all his friends HELL YEAH I AM WITH HER I don't want to be kept in the dark. On top of all that bullshit drama, I have to deal with packing and getting ready for a new house. I wanted to move before, now packing I don't want to, I don't wanna worry about all of this shit! AHHHH! This makes me really mad, why the fuck am I being nailed with all of this.

Just another day in paradise!

Getting ready for school on a rainy day. Drivers Ed is going good. Did I tell ya'll that I'm taking it? Yes? No? Oh, well whatever, I am, haha! I actually got in contact with my Uncle, a man that I had horrible feelings towards. Maybe this will change the family dynamics. I know that there were a lot of hurt feelings, but they can be fixed, and people who don't fix them will live a miserable life, well whatever the case is, I want it known that I am trying, I'm not going to sit around and let this hatred consume me, I am going to try to change. Change this late in the year? Yes, change. It is never too late to change something, you can always fix the way you feel or how you look at it, and I am choosing right now. Anyone who reads this (if anyone even does) this is my vow to you, I will change a situation if it is consuming a life that is not a good one to live.
Sigh, new beginnings.